Chaos in a Box: Please Listen!



Have you ever had sex with a moose? Well, I have not. I was just stuck for an idea as to how I should start this, and I had a flashback to junior high. My class had just learned the importance of a good thesis statement, and one of my fellow students started his essay with "Have you ever had sex with a moose? Now that I have your attention...." Our teacher warned this student that such a thesis statement would be more memorable than the essay, and he was right. To this day, I remember that statement, but not the essay.

At this point, you are probably asking yourself why the hell you are reading this, and you want to see what goofy things your friends said about you in Three Lines Free. Well, my friend, you are reading this because it is a prime example of the weird anecdotes I share with the world on Chaos in a Box, Wednesdays at 9 on CLCR. As with all DJs on CLCR, one of my problems is a lack of listeners. So, I am going on this bizarre rant in an attempt to get all of you Augustanians to stop listening to Power 92 and CFCW and start listening to CLCR (more specifically, Chaos in a Box, Wednesdays at 9).

I would have preferred to print up posters to plaster up everywhere, but. like all collage students, I cannot afford the $3.00 for the photocopier. Plus, I had difficulty coming up with a catchy slogan to put on those posters. I just could not choose one of these four:

None of these slogans seemed to appropriately describe my show, so I decided to take this alternative route to get listeners.

My show (Chaos in a Box, Wednesdays at 9), is about me, the Scarecrow, and I basically go nuts on CLCR for an hour. When I run out of things to say, I play music. Just any kind of music: rap, country, alternative, jazz, classical, you name it. But, I refuse to play Rankin Family.

At this time, I should inform you of my show's policies. The first one is I do not like to go past the end of my show. True, there is no one on immediately after me, but I do have a life outside the show. My second policy is you can request songs, but it is doubtful I will play them. The number if you want to try and request a song is 679-1599. The third and final policy is I will not play the Rankin Family. I think they suck and it is my show so I can do whatever I want (I would like to remind you that the opinions expressed here are my own and not those of CLCR and/or the Dag).

At this point, you are probably really starting to wonder why this was even printed, and you are nanoseconds away from flipping to Three Lines Free. That is what is wrong with society this week. Everyone has short attention spans. Since I have been taught to cater to your brief attention spans, I will present the rest of this article as a collection of pointless sound bites.

Why you should listen to my show

1.) I play a lot of "Weird Al" Yankovick. I find his lyrical stylings a lot more cheerful than those of other artists.

2.) I make fun of people who tick me off. But since I will not say their names on the show (Wednesdays at 9 on CLCR), tune in to see if you can discover who I am attacking.

3.) I have regular segments, like a real radio show! I do a weekly What's Wrong With Society commentary, and, coming soon, The Mountain Man; the wacky misadventures of a hermit who lives alone in the woods.

4.) I get a kick out of playing "Weird Al" Yankovick. He's funny, and you can dance to him.

5.) I need listeners to accomplish my goal. That goal is to make Cledus T. Judd famous. For those of you who do not care, Cledus T. Judd is trying to become the "Weird Al" Yankovick of country music. He's pretty good, so tune in to my show to check him out.

6.) The mystery. I will not reveal my true identity on my show (Chaos in a Box, Wed. at 9 on CLCR), but I have a sexy voice that drives women wild. So, imagine any face you please and enjoy the fantasy.

7.) My show is interactive! I am hoping to start doing a segment called All I Have To Say About That, in which you, the listener, give me a topic to go off on a tangent about. Send me your topics by calling the show at 679-1599 or e-mail the station at CLCR@corelli.augustana.ab.ca, and put "Chaos in a Box" on the subject line. With this show, I want to be able to reach out and touch you, and have you touch me back. Just a lot of touching going on.

8.) Did I mention I like to play "Weird Al"?

And that's why you should listen to my show.

Well, I am all out of things to write. I don not know if this will accomplish getting more listeners for my show (Chaos in a Box, Wednesdays at 9 on CLCR), but I can take this to my junior high english teacher and show him that I am now a published author. Plus, when you are old and grey, you can turn to your grandchildren and say "When I was in collage, I remember this guy who wrote an article about having sex with a moose."

One final thought before I go. A wise man once said that normal is what everyone else is and you are not. If everyone applied that definition to themselves, then there is no such thing as normal.

Goodnight, everybody!!!!

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