Chaos in Print: The Further Adventures of the Scarecrow

Disney, Disney, Disney!

Greetings, y'all! 'Tis I, the Scarecrow, always coming at you print until the day you die! Or pay off your student loans, whichever comes first. I tell you, by writing this, I'm trying to work through one huge case of writer's block. My last column (in the little-seen Christmas issue) was a triumph of the human spirit, but people are still complementing me on Observations, Angst and Jell-o, from two issues back. So, there's just a little bit of pressure on me for this one. Not as much as say, George Lucas, who is currently finishing the first new Star Wars movie in 16 years. Now that guy's under pressure! But I digress. There is one little thing that has been gnawing at my soul for a while now, so I hope you've got your helmets on, because I'm going to be beating you over the head with a message!

If there's one thing we all enjoyed growing up, it's those Disney animated films! I mean, show me a person who doesn't like a Disney animated musical, and I'll show you a soulless demon from Hell. There have been demons from Hell in Disney animated movies. Ever see Fantasia? There's this great final sequence with a 500-foot tall demon from Hell, and the dead coming back to life to do the dance of the damned, all set to the musical piece Night On Bald Mountain. Definitely one of the coolest segments in the whole movie. It kicks the butt of that Mickey Mouse Sorcerer's Apprentice segment all over the big screen! It's a shame that its getting cut from the big sequel, Fantasia 2000, coming out next year.

Speaking of Disney cutting their classics, have you heard about this big recall of The Rescuers that Disney just ordered? Apparently, in their latest video re-release of The Rescuers, someone at Disney finally noticed something that had been in there since the film first hit theaters in 1977. And that is, in the scene where Wilbur jumps off the building in order to take flight, the building in the background becomes a blur. Apparently, in that blur of a building in the background, you can see a topless woman in 2 frames! Video moves at a rate of 30 frames per second, so that would mean this topless woman is on screen for 1/15th of a second. A bit much you think? Well, Disney has done worse editing. A few months ago, Disney released their animated film, Melody Time, for the first time on video. Now, in this film is the rough-and-tumble cowboy Pecos Bill. Bill, being the cowpoke that he is, smokes, and in the original version, Bill had a cigarette dangling from his lips in every scene. So, since Disney wants to set a good example for kids, they went in and, using computers, deleted the cigarette from every scene! There was even one part of the Pecos Bill story where Bill lassoes a tornado and rides it. He calmly rolls a smoke while riding said tornado. Well, since deleting the cigarette would have left Bill doing weird things with his hands, the whole tornado part was cut! Think Disney is being just a little reactionary? I mean, it was animated in a different time! As one movie critic put it: "Don't mess with Walt's vision!"

But, since my mind is in the gutter, let's go back to this topless woman. What's so wrong with having a topless woman in animation? Disney's done it before. Once again, who's seen Fantasia? There's one sequence, set to the music of The Blue Danube, where female centaurs come out of bathing in a lake. The centaurs, are of course, topless! Plus, in this sequence, we see a multitude of naked bottoms of chubby little cupids. And, when Disney put Fantasia on video in 1990 (or '91, I don't quite remember), none of this stuff was cut! I think they've gotten to reactionary as the '90's progressed.

But then, Disney has had an association with sex in the past that I think they'd soon forget. One of their most infamous things they'd like to forget has to be this: did you know, that in the early '60's, Disney produced sex education films for schools? I'm serious! I've read many, many things about these films, and I'd love to get my hands on one! Can you imagine, cute Disney animated characters, explaining to little girls what is going on with their bodies as they go through their first period? All this, on a screen in a classroom, circa 1963. I forget what the title is, but I do know that no major Disney characters are in it. And, like the truth that Special Agent Fox Mulder seeks, it's out there.

Jeez, have I ranted for a while. What the heck spurned this whole Disney tirade? Probably the fact that, before the workload picks up too much, I decided to get together with some friends and watch all three Aladdin movies. Yup, the big theatrical original, and those two straight-to-video sequels. You've got to admit, that Robin Williams as the Genie has been the funniest Disney sidekick ever. In The Return of Jafar, Robin Williams was in the middle of suing Disney, so they couldn't get him back. Who they got was Dan Castellaneta, best remembered to all of us as the voice of Homer Simpson. He did a pretty good job, and got to voice Genie on Aladdin: The Series. But I digress. When it comes to funny sidekicks, don't discount Mushu the dragon, as voiced by Eddie Murphy in Mulan. Who saw Mulan? Raise your hands! That movie rocked. And call me weird, but I thought Mulan was kind of hot.

There are a lot of sick individuals out there (myself included) who have crushes on Disney animated characters. Especially those princesses. Face it, Disney knows how to draw an impossible-to-attain-in-real-life female figure. This is something I've wanted to do for a while now, and I think I might do it! Starting with the release of this issue, I, the Scarecrow, am going to take a survey to figure out which Disney animated babe this campus thinks is the hottest! My vote is going for Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Why? Because she's always reading! Not only can she satisfy me physically, but intellectually as well. To cast your vote for the hottest Disney animated babe, e-mail it to me (cappim@bach on the campus network), or call my show, 679-1599!

At this point, you are probably wondering what the hell my problem is, so I think this would be a good time to end it. This column is what the people behind Batman: The Animated Series would call a "Thursday show." It's nothing you'd start the week with. It's nothing you'd end the week with. It's filler. Wait! I promised you a message! The message is: save your money for adult animated films! Disney's next animated musical is Tarzan, hitting theaters in June. But, the animated film we all want to see is South Park: The Movie, also hitting theaters in June. Well, this will be remembered as pointless. Tune in next month for Observations, Angst, and Jell-o part 2. It'll be better than this. Trust me. Goodnight, everybody!

Don't forget, if you didn't like this column, then you'll hate my show, Chaos in a Box with the Scarecrow, Wednesday @ 10 on 89.1 FM. And the website: http://listen.to/chaosinabox

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