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How to be a Genius
BG SFX: COMPUTER LAB
SARAH: Mark, could you come in here for a minute?
MARK: Sure, what’s up?
SARAH: Well, it’s this project. We’ve got to burn
these spots to CD and I don’t know how to work the burning program.
MARK: OK. It’s really easy. First, open up the burner program.
SFX: TYPING (:01)
SARAH: Done.
MARK: Now find the wave files and click on them to
add them to the disc.
SARAH: But I thought we were doing MP3s for this assignment.
MARK: Yes, but that was just to e-mail to the
instructor. Remember what he said in class. When you’re burning to disc, the
wave files are better.
SARAH: Ah. OK. So here’s the waves. I add them.
Now what? I have to slow the burn speed first, right?
MARK: Yup. Just click there and that’ll do it. And, hit record.
SFX: MOUSE CLICK (:01)
SARAH: And that’s it?
MARK: That’s it.
SARAH: Wow. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Mark.
MARK: Well, there is a difference between knowing
the path and walking the path.
SARAH: What?
MARK: It means we’ll never know.
SARAH: You’re such a genius.
BG MUSIC: MAMBO #5
I’ve been called a genius many times in
my short life, but to tell the truth, I’ve never believed it. I may be smart,
intelligent even. At least, that’s what having a degree in physics leads people
to believe. But a genius? Never in a million years. I just don’t have the
marketing savvy. Being a genius, or at least regarded as one, is just another
label we attribute to people, like “savant” or “cool.” Being a genius has very
little to do with how smart you are. I’ve known some geniuses who were
downright idiots, and I’ve known some very smart people who weren’t geniuses at
all. Nope, genius is just another image we project. And, since I’ve suckered
many people into believing that I’m a genius, it must be an image I’m good at
projecting. So then, let me help you out. Here are the five simple steps to
being a genius.
1)
Pay attention.
It’s been mentioned in several of my classes that there are no original ideas
left in radio. That’s pretty much true for the whole world. But, also bear in
mind that we live in an amnesic society. People tend to forget things pretty
quick. Why else do the people of Alberta keep re-electing Ralph Klein? So, in
order to be a genius, all you have to do is remember. When you spout off the
wisdom that was en vogue last week, people will have forgotten already and
regard you as being…a genius!! As was shown in the above case study.
All I did was regurgitate what the teacher said in class a few days before.
Nothing new. Nothing original.
2)
Quote movies.
Most of the best writers today are working in Hollywood. Well, actually, they
are working in literary circles as well, but people don’t read books as much as
they used to. Besides, you’re some busy people. You ain’t got time to read!
Pulling the proper turn of phrase from the big blockbuster of five years ago
will make you seem witty, brilliant, and…a genius!! Although, I will
warn you, it’s best you choose obscure and/or old movies. For example:
”There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.”
A little throwaway line from The Matrix. It came out five years ago.
Only a die-hard geek would get it. But, say I ended my discussion with Sarah
like this:
”Who am I? I’m Spider-Man.”
Busted.
Oh, and it never hits to broaden your horizons on this. Watch a few classic
films. And make the time to read, too! Shakespeare is boiling over with quotes
that will make you seem like…a genius!! You don’t know how many
arguments I’ve ended with Hamlet’s immortal line, “There are more things in
heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” It’s a much classier
way of saying, “Look, dumbass, let’s just agree to disagree.”
3)
Choose your words carefully.
The common misconception is that geniuses pepper their language with big words
to show off their fancy college education. That’s not really true. The proper
mark of a genius is choosing the right word for the right situation. A big word
isn’t as important as the right word. So, if some guy says, “This is a
grandiose scheme the kind of which has never been imagined in the schedule of
imagining,” well, he’s got no freakin’ clue what he’s saying. But, if he says,
“That’s a bid idea that’s never been thought of before,” well, that’s...a
genius!! I have lost track of how many people I’ve impressed because I
managed to spew out the right word. I’ve used the occasional big word that’s
best suited to a lecture hall, right down to obscure slang from the American
south. It’s all about using the right word at the right time.
4)
Be polite.
There’s a fine line between being a jerk and being…a genius!!
It’s called manners. This is a jerk:
SARAH: Hey, Mark, could you come in here for a second?
MARK: Fuck you, bitch! I’m a busy.
And this is…a genius!!
SARAH: Hey Mark, could you come in here for a second?
MARK: Sure. What’s up?
Bottom line: people will think of you in nicer terms if you’re nice to them.
It’s just nice to be nice. (Neelix said that in Voyager. See? I can’t
turn off my mojo. And there’s choosing the right word again. I just can’t
stop!)
5)
Have no fear in expressing yourself.
There are six billion or so people on this planet. That means six billion
different world views. But geniuses in the past have been the ones who have
stood up and said, “Well, this is what I think.” Let’s go through the list.
Galileo: “Well, this is what I think…the Earth revolves around the Sun.”
Einstein: “Well, this is what I think…a person would see if he were riding on a
beam of light.” (The Theory of Relativity came out of that one.) The founding
fathers of Canada: “Well, this is what we think…it’s time we were our own
country.” An enemy once told me that the world was changed by those who think
differently. Well, guess what? Everyone thinks differently. Having the
thought isn’t what changes things. It’s doing something with it. All you have
to do is stand up and express your thought. People will look back and say,
“Dude, you’re…a genius!!”
And that’s all it takes. Intelligence
has very little to do with being a genius. Just follow these five simple steps,
and you’ll be a genius just like me! Living a chaste life in your parents’
basement, watching obscure movies, watching everything around you, and speaking
up only when you have something to say.
True, it won’t get you laid much, but
people will think you’re…a genius!!
(All things being equal, I’d much rather
be the guy who gets laid.)
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