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Afterdeath
NOTE: Due to an unforeseen flash of brilliance, the originally promised column, “Meeting Totoro II,” has been delayed for a week. In its place is this hastily-assembled filler.
Patience, true believers. Trust me, it’ll be worth the wait.
Monday. I hate Mondays.
I whack the alarm clock to turn it off and pull myself out of bed. I stumble into the bathroom and turn on the shower. The cold water hits my body like a thousand tiny jolts of electricity. That always wakes me up. That, and a strong cup of coffee.
God, I hate my work clothes. Synthetic fibres of the future, my ass. It itches.
I park my car and stumble through the front doors of the office. I wave to Wendy the receptionist. I get into my cubicle and already there’s a message on my desk. “Call Frank in the field. Big problem.” I pick up the phone and call Frank. He’s screaming and yelling…something about a breach and environmental contamination. No, I can’t talk him through it apparently. I’ve got to head out there and fix it myself. I hang up the phone. I walk over to the equipment cabinet and grab my zapper and my PVX. This should be a quick fix.
On my way out, I check the containment unit. No movement. Good.
A half-an-hour’s drive out into the country, and I’m at the field office. A red smoke fills the air. Frank runs up to me white as a ghost, telling me just, “It’s in there!” I sigh. I step out of my car. I walk into the field office. There it is…8 feet tall and madder than hell. It charges me. When he gets within range, I hit it with the zapper and it goes down. I tap into the records with my PVX and I find out that it got out when Frank forgot to reactive the plasma array. I flip the array back on, and it’s transported away. I’m very annoyed with Frank. Frank just looks at me in disbelief. “That’s it?” he gasps. Yes, that’s it. Hardly worth my time.
I get back to the office in time for coffee. I check the containment unit. No movement. Good.
I’m in the coffee room, shooting the shit with Jake, and the alarm goes off. Great. They’re early today. I have just enough to time to get down to the supply cabinet and grab a sword. Aww, man. I just restocked this thing. I’ve got to send a memo. “Swords are for office use only. Do not take them home.” Looks like I have to make do with the nunchucks.
With nunchucks in hand, I brace for the onslaught. And here they come. Hey, there’s being led by Bob today. Bob thrusts a blade at me.
“Hey Bob.”
“Hey. Where’s your sword?”
“Ehh, some idiot keeps stealing them from the supply cabinet.”
“That’s not good.”
“Yeah. I’m going to have to bring it up at the next staff meeting.”
“So, how are the wife and kids?”
“They actually went to visit her mother this week.”
“You’re bachin’ this week, eh?”
“Yup.”
“Still coming over for poker on Thursday?”
“You know it. Hey, that’s a nice blade by the way. It new?”
“Yup. It’s made out of star metal. It should be able to kill you dead this time.”
“I don’t think so Bob.”
“Hey, your shoe’s untied.”
I look down. I feel something sharp pierce my neck. My head falls to the floor, and with the last bit of oxygen in my brain, I’m able to see my body topple over. I am so going to kick your ass at poker on Thursday, Bob.
Afterlife. Been a while. Hey, JC! What’s up? How’s Atkins working for you, Buddha? Vishnu! High five! Oh, um, hey big guy. No no, you didn’t have to prepare a room me. Jim down in the lab’s been working on this new thingy. If it works, I should be leaving in….
Ow. The movies always gloss over the fact that it’s actually kind of painful when blood starts flowing again. I open my eyes and look at the ceiling of Jim’s lab. What do you know? It worked. Jim hands me a cup of coffee. I crawl off the lab table and absent-mindedly scratch at the stitches around my neck. “Should be able to take those out tomorrow,” Jim tells me. I lumber back to my cubicle. The paperwork for a resurrection is such a bitch….
I check the containment unit. No movement. Good.
I sit down at my desk and start on the paperwork. At around 2, Wendy comes into my office. “Yeah, there’s another one coming in. Could you take care of it?” I nod. I go to my computer. I type in my password and unleash enough firepower to take out a meteorite headed towards Saskatchewan. It was only headed towards PEI, though, so I didn’t need that much.
I finish my paperwork and see that it’s 4:30. May as well knock off early.
On my way out, I check the containment unit.
There’s movement.
Aww, crap. Overtime.
Next Issue: Meeting Totoro Part II. I promise.
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